


I keep bleeding

by Birdy07



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Bad Puns, Coffee, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hero Complex, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Insomnia, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Logic | Logan Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, Logicality centric, Lonely Morality | Patton Sanders, M/M, Married Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Neurodiversity, Protective Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Trans Male Character, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:40:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24274456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdy07/pseuds/Birdy07
Summary: Patton is a really sweet barista who meets a really sad man and needs to help him. Every time they're together he can feel his heart beat even faster, can this be true or is it just another trick? The more he learns about Logan, the more his heart aches,  and the more he needs to help, but whose going to help Patton?Logan has been alone so long, he doesn't know how to feel things, so when he starts feeling things for the barista he just met he gets scared. Really, really , scared. He hasn't felt anything in so long that it feels good to be afraid for once.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, emile - Relationship
Comments: 63
Kudos: 146





	1. Patton 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic comes from a song called bleeding love by Leona lewis, I feel like it suits my idea of Logan for this fic. (Edited by author like four weeks later.) Welp it actually better suits Patton.

"Uh... Mocha for Edward." Patton called out from the barista counter he was serving at, waiting for the man, or non binary to get their coffee. He smiled when they walked up, made a bit of small talk, and continued his work. He really loved his job, he got to endlessly talk to the sweetest most nicest people. 

On the flip side to those nice people, patton met a fair amount of bad costumers. Now, he didn't believe in bad people, he did however believe in mean people. But everybody has their reasons to be mean, which is why Patton was determined to be extra nice to them. So when one of the regulars came in looking a little more grim than usual, he knew he just had to turn that frown upside down. 

"Well hello there sunshine, Brew-tiful day isn't it?" Patton smiled his warmest smile waiting for a reply, instead of a friendly chuckle he received a dark scowl. He turned his attention to taking the money and making the drink. It wasn't a hard beverage just a hot chocolate extra hot, No whip. He moved to the other side of the counter where his shift partner,Virgil was brewing the coffees.

"Hot chocolate, extra hot no whip." He recited handing the empty cup to his friend. " you got this stormy. "

"I told you never to call me that." Virgil shifted uncomfortably but, blushed nonetheless. Patton snickered he loved the look the emo boy gave him when he showed any type of affection, they were nothing more than friends, but the other didn't have a lot of good people in his life. It filled Patton to the brim with joy when he made Virgil smile, he wished they could be more then just work friends one day. It would be nice to have any friends really.

When the hot cocoa was finished Patton took it to the counter and called up the customer, "Janis West? Hot chocolate." The grumpy man came up, took the drink, sipped it, and immediately spat it out, the hot liquid staining Patton's shirt.

"The hell is this!? " Janis screeched, Patton flinched. " This is not what I ordered! " his voice was a thick boom, however Patton was used to these kinds of people, he wasn't bullied in high school for nothing right?

"Sir, I can assure you we made your drink correctly." He smiled again trying to calm the raging patron. Janis let out a string of curses and shouts directed toward Patton, the smile on his face wavered each remark stinging his already nonexistent self esteem. The shop wasn't to busy, but any minute a family could walk in and hear the vulgar language spewing from the person in front of him. As if on cue, a man walked into the shop someone Patton had never seen before, he wore a black polo shirt, a blue tie, and looked as if he had just worked an all nighter. Tangled hair fell onto the man's face, and heavy bags lay under his eyes, however his face showed no emotion and his poster was firm almost painfully stiff.

"Made my drink correctly!! How dare you infer I am lying!" The shriek pulled Patton back to the costumer in front of him, face as angry as ever. The barista looked back at Virgil to find him a shuttering mess, curse social anxiety. Patton knew he had the right to not serve this man, it was his shop after all,nbut business had been slow recently, he needed the money this regular costumer brought in. SO, despite his best judge meant he told Janis he would remake the cocoa. That seemed to appeal to him.

Once the new chocolate was made and Janis seemed happy, Patton instructed Virgil to take a break and he would handle the patrons for the next hour or so. When Virgil agreed Patton turned to the man who caught his attention when he first walked in. "Heyo kiddo, sorry for the wait. What can I get you?" The man returned his smile but it didn't reach his to tired eyes.

"What do you recommend? I have not had the pleasure of entering this establishment before." His voice was thick with exhaustion and he seemed sad, so sad and a little lost.

Patton had to fix that. "Oof," he giggled " what a day to come in then huh? " the man frowned.

"Why?" He asked softly, Patton took that moment to notice the freckles that adorned the beautiful strangers face, and blushed.

" Well, I thought you heard that argument that was going on. That wasn't very pleasant. " he laughed again.

"The aesthetic more than makes up for it, irrational behavior from customers is uncontrollable, you handled it well." The man smiled a real smile and it almost reached his empty eyes, that made Patton's heart swell with pride.

" Well thank you! Careful you might make it to my favorite costumer list. " he chuckled never, the strangers face twisted into confusion.

"Is that a bad thing? Should I not want to be on..." He cleared his throat, " the 'favorite costumer list' as you put it? " 

Patton wondered when the last time this poor guy slept was. Instead of asking he giggled, " Nope, not a bad thing, just means you might have to come back again some time. "

"So be it." This time he smiled and it did reach his eyes, even if it was just a little, those eyes sparked with life and an ornery twinkle Patton couldn't quite place.

"Well then, you seem like the type to like cold coffee, ever had a mocha frappechino?" The man shook his head, " Alright then, name? " Patton pulled out a sharpie ready to write it on the cup.

"Logan." He replied reaching into his wallet .

"Oh, don't worry about it, This one's on the house." Patton smiled waving off the attempt to pay.

" I cannot let you do that, I did nothing to deserve it. " Logan glanced up, still trying to hand Patton the money.

"Oh come on, let me pay for you." The other snickered softly.

" I cannot. "

"You can."

" I cannot. "

"Okay, do you have anywhere to be today?" Patton asked realizing full well Logan was not going to relent.

" No, why? " Patton considered it for a moment, honestly considering it. Logan seemed really nice and Patton was lonely, maybe they could both use a friend?

"How about, I pay for the coffee but, you stay and chat with me until your done drinking it?" Logan looked as though he were considering it, and he was the moment,

"Deal." He replied voice a masked tone.

" alrighty then Logan, I'm Patton. " he laughed at the expression on Logan's face.

"Is that why this cafe is called..." He scoffed and looked utterly disturbed he had to say it, "Coffee House: Patton pending?"


	2. Logan 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan enjoys his time around his new... Maybe... 'friend?' Fingers crossed. But this knew friend doesn't reach out and Logan's not one to start things by himself. Maybe he could make an exseption?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate how this turned out but duty calls.to post.

Hey Logan, what do you call a sad cup of coffee?" Patton looked at him with the brightest smile, it warmed his whole face making him, if possible, look friendlier.

"Patton, that's impossible, a cup of coffee cannot be sad. " Logan replied in his most superior voice, after all, Patton was wrong, which made Logan right, ergo superior. That was something his father had taught him years ago, with a belt and a baseball bat, his ribs ached at the sudden memory.

"It's called a depresso!" He laughed a real laugh and Logan wanted to be mad because truely that was an awful pun, but he looked so happy. Logan didn't think he had ever been that happy, and here was somebody who achieved that feeling in less than a minute by making a dumb joke. So instead of pointing out the utter stupidity of the the action Logan laughed and the smile on Patton's face doubled tenfold.

"That was brew-tle" he answered after a moment cursing himself for giving into the 'call of the pun.' Patton put a hand on his shoulder to steady himself but Logan flinched away from the touch, he was scared Patton would judge him for that, scared that their small conversation would end because of it, but Patton barely acknowledged it aside from a split second head tilt.

"You don't like my joke!? I'm not... Bitter." He laughed again.

"I just suspect it could have... Bean... better... Oh God, please we have to cease, this is figuratively killing me." He put a hand on his face to keep the shame from showing, but Patton kept smiling, kept being so happy it was comforting to a degree.

"Of course we can stop." He said, no judgment draped his voice, and Logan didn't understand, there was no malice nor ilintent.

They talked for over two and a half hours after that. Around an hour into their conversation, Virgil a worker, interrupted them looking awfully tired. He said he was ready to work, but Patton just sent him home, not a very sound business plan Logan thought. He couldn't leave Patton alone to work, that would be rude. So, he helped Patton clean the tables and sweep the floor, he laughed at stupid jokes and smiled when Patton giggled. That giggle lit up his entire face it made him so easy to read, there was no questioning whether or not Logan said the right thing or made the right gesture. It was concerning in way to not be concerned. It was funny, he had come into the coffee house after a particularly work filled night, because he had forgotten to pick up coffee when he first moved into his apartment a week prior. Who'd have thought he would make a 'friend?' He was never good at that, making friends. 

A buzz from his phone pulled him out of his revere, he looked down to see his mother calling him. He then turned his attention to Patton, warm smile still plastered on the others lips. "I have to take this, please excuse me for a moment." Patton nodded, and swiped at the counter he was engulfed in washing. Logan stepped a bit away and lowered his voice to barely above a whisper, " Mother, is everything alright? " their relationship had always been a bit strained however, when Logan moved out they had grown closer, each being able to have their own space. His mother always blamed herself for Logan's childhood being as 'screwed up' as it was, she dealt with that by being incredibly affectionate towards him. Logan didn't do 'affection' it left a bad, bitter taste in his mouth. 

"Of course baby, just wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I wanted to how moving in was going, Oh and if you had settled in properly? Made any friends? I know that was a lot but , I really like literally, have like five seconds." He rolled his eyes at the spewing of words, she never was one for subtly she was also never one for normalcy.

"I am not returning to high school. " he cringed slightly, high school was not a good time for his family. "No, I have not yet met anyone in my building." He describe finisjed.

" Oh, well you should get on that. " he heard a knock on the door from the other line. "Oh my gosh, I have to go so sorry if I bugged you we'll talk later yeah? ...But I love you Lo, okay?" He felt that warmth in his chest that often rested after those words were spoken, even from his mother they meant something strong, he didn't know if he was ready to understand that feeling.

"I... I.. lo-care for you deeply as well." He could feel the disappointment radiating from the other caller. He hated letting her down, but he wasn't ready to say that sentence 'I love you. ' was something he didn't think he could ever say out loud, honestly he didn't understand how anyone could feel true love for anyone, it was illogical.

"Bye, Lo." She whispered he could hear the sadness in her voice, could feel it consuming him burning, boiling just beneath his skin. He wanted to shout she didn't have the right to be sad because it was her fault, her fault he couldn't say it, but he waved that thought away because it wasn't her fault. It was someone else's, neither of them could have saved Logan from becoming what he was.

" Farewell. " he let his flare for dramatization take over for a moment before hanging up and walking back over to Patton. Logan let his eyes wander to the blonde curls that fizzed just a top the baristas head, they truly suited his personality, wild, free, and loose. He wondered how anyone could resist the urge to just touch the 'poof' that rested there (he resisted the urge of course, he's not an idiot.)

"Who was that? If you don't mind me asking if course." Patton smiled at him, that smile made him want to just shove all of his carefully hidden away secrets at him, the figurative boxes that contained his memories, thoughts, anything, he just wanted to 'yeet' (yes, he was proud of himself for using that correctly) them at the other.

But he stopped himself just short, he wasn't ready to share his life with some stranger he just met, no matter how friendly Patton was, no matter how lonely Logan was. people were a bother, all They ever did was let you down, Logan had ruled against people. So many rules, he followed so nobody could ever hurt him again. The two were strangers, nothing more and they didn't need to be. "Unimportant." He waved the question off and Patton nodded his head, maybe just slightly diessapointed... no, that was just Logan reading to much into a small face. "I should be going." He whispered hoping the other would ask for his number. He didnt. 

"Oh... Okay. I'll see you around though." He ask almost as if he were insecure, it looked unnatural on Pattons face. Logan knew he had to delete that insecurity.

"Yes. I'm your favorite costumer after all." He laughed, he could do this, he could reach out and not get hurt right? One look at Patrons hopeful face, and Logan knew the other would never hurt him. "Maybe I could get your numner?" Immediately the insecurity was gone replaced by a child like joy as Patton recited off numbers and They exchanged informatiom. 

Logan bid him farewell and left the shop. It didn't surprise him that his phone buzzed away.

Patton: hey is me Patton.

Patton: just making sure you got my number down right.

Patton: Patton the coffee guy

Patton: this is Logan right?

The sudden four new messages threw him off guard he wasn't used to people texting him, but it was so Patton that Logan could bring himself to care even the slightest.

Logan: this is he. Yes Patton I know who you are. Thank you for the chat. I did enjoy myself immensely.

Patton: yeeeee no thank you I had so much fun.

Logan: objectively it was enjoyable

Patton: I'll see you around Logan

Logan: I'll see you as well Patton.


	3. Patton: ickky emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton is preparing for therapy it hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is shorter and still managed to take longer,I worked really hard on it and 4324953 it ten times because I wanted fluff but decided on angst.

Patton: See you tomorrow I hope.

Logan: of course.

Patton: mmmm it's just... I've got the brews. (Get it like bluess) whenever your gone.

Logan: oh god it's too early for this Patton. 

Patton looked down fondly at his phone, him and Logan had been talking for about two weeks with the other coming in for coffee every morning Promptly when it opened. He glanced down at the time, 12:30, and mentally scolded himself. On a normal day 'Patton pendings' was open from about eight in the morning to four in the evening, but today was the third Saturday of the month. These saturday's brought about eight in the morning to one in the afternoon, because of Patton's Monthly therapy sessions, the blonde knew full well that He could leave Virgil to run the shop. However, the emo was so socially anxious that He couldn't bring himself to leave the poor kid in charge. The barista signed, he hated therapy, he hated that he needed it when he had no reason to. He had a good life, a good childhood, a good family. Why was he so screwed up? Then it hit him full force, like it always did when he asked himself, Jake. 

Memories from the name swirled just out of reach, so Patton shoved them down, he couldn't deal with that right now. He walked around the counter and into the backroom to nibble at the lunch he had brought for himself, Peanut butter and Jelly, the mark of someone who couldn't cook. He laughed, a cafe owner who couldn't cook, like what the heck? It was a good thing Virgil could, or they might have been in trouble. His phone buzzed and he looked to down to read a text from his roomate, Roman. 

Roman: hey hope you do good with Picani, just wanted to let you know I won't be home for dinner... I got asked out.

Patton chuckled at the text, imagining Roman waggling his eyebrows in the way he usually would. The two men had been neighbors growing up, and best friends from the moment they met. Roman was a Disney loving thespian who could always lighten Patton's worries, it was relaxing to know that he wasn't a complete social failure.

Patton: oooooh whose the lucky guy?

He asked hoping Roman would distract him from the fire building in his chest at the thought Picani. To be honest Patton liked his therapist, he was silly and thoughtful, They would probably be friends under different circumstances. But Patton hated therapy, and hated that he needed it.

Roman: mmmmm you know him... A certain purple haired emo.

Patton: omg omg omg omg omg omg 

Patton: Virge asked you out?!!?!?!

Patton nearly died, the two had been flirting with each other for weeks to the point where Roman would come in just to talk (read make Virgil blush) and not even get coffee. To be totally honest Patton was sort of jealous, he had never been in a serious relationship before, aside from a girlfriend he had before coming to the realization that he was completely, totally, irrevocably gay the girl had been very understanding albeit a little hurt, but they still kept in touch.

Roman: nope... I challenged him to a a race and said if he lost he had to go out with me at least once. Bitch thought he was faster then me.

Patton: language.

Patton: but congrats I'm proud of you kiddo.

Roman: kk have fun at therapy.

Patton closed his eyes and flinched, it was time to go but he felt like he was going to cry. so he multi-tasked driving crying and skipping lunch, life was just dandy wasn't it? When he arrived at Dr. Picani's office he plastered on the smile he always carried and waved to the receptionist. "Heya Ellie, how's Charlie?" Charlie was her dog she absolutely adored to talk about, it kept her from asking about Patton.

" Oh Patton! she is just darling I love her so much! She just learned how to crawl on command! Can you believe it?! I didn't even know dogs could do that!! " her smile was as bright and warm as ever, he laughed. She was very pretty, with dark brown hair that dangled at her waist, and freckles covering her pale skin making the pink of her cheeks almost glow. She was shorter then average with bright, green, kind eyes.

"I did not know dogos could do that. I really have to meet her sometime she sounds amazing! I love dogs so much!!!" He smiled again at her while she quietly checked him in.

" I have to warn you, it maybe a bit of a wait. Emile has a new patient today, those appointments always tend to run over. " Patton smiled absent mindedly, and nodded his head making his way over to the waiting area. This was going to be just great wasn't it? Everyone's favorate pass time being psychoanalyzed by a cartoon obsessed person who was too sweet and caring for his chosen profession.

Patton: Hey Lo?

He waited hopelessly, no response.  
'you idiot he's going to think your a needy bitch.' A voice screamed at him "Yeah," Patton whispered.  
  
'he probably already does.' "Yeah. "  
  
'you deserve to suffer, to be alone. You deserve pain. You deserve death'   
"Yeah. " a shiver came to the back of his spine as the voice continued use to berate him every word making perfect sense. He missed when he didn't feel like this, he wished one person really understood him, why he was like this. He wished he knew. A nauseous feeling rose in the back of his throat as he walked back over to the desk. "Hey, Ellie I forgot to take the survey paper thing."  
' smooth'

"Oh of course." She handed it to him and returned to her work as he did his seat. 

The first question brought the nauseous feeling the his mouth as he read it, it was all to familiar.

Suicidal thoughts? 1 2 3 4 5

He scribbled in the 1, Picani couldn't be upset with him, he cared to much to be hurt by Patton and his idiot voice.

Self harm? 1 2 3 4 5 

He signed at least he hadn't cut since high school that was something right? He filled in the one.

Skipping meals/ lack of appetite? 1 2 3 4 5

He scribbled over the three, making note he hadn't eaten dinner in at least three weeks, was that concerning?  
'yes you idiot' the voice supplied 'Picani is going to hate you more than he already does!'  
  
"Fair enough." He whispered back, " I deserve to be hated. " he went over the next few questions answering some honestly and others,  
  
'complete bullshit!!' The voice screamed with every lie.   
  
Then he waited for Dr. Emile Picani to finish, so he could continue his hopeless attempt to fit every broken piece of himself back together. 'unlikely you never even try.


	4. Logan: home? Well shit I like Patton.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan comes into contact with his barista friend, outside of their usual place. He thinks a little and realizes something that scares the actual shit out of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is only 700 something words But I got it out on time.

Logan sighed softly, as he stepped out of the therapist's cushy room filled from head to toe with Disney memorabilia and other cartoon nick nacks. This was his first time with this man, his name was Emile Picani and he specialized in trauma related mental health, which suited Logan's needs nicely. It had been a good session, Logan felt good, his chest didn't feel like it had the constant dagger that always threatened to rip his heart out of his throat. Granted he did not feel 'normal', just less dead inside, he actually got a decent amount of sleep that night and talked to Patton this morning which has been quite pleasant.

The blonde man never failed to bring a smile to his face. Logan had never had a friend before, people often becoming wary of his need for everything to be planned and orderly. Patton didn't seem to mind. He didn't mind when Logan flinched if he moved to suddenly, he just moved slower. Patton didn't mind when Logan questioned why he organized things in away that seemed counterproductive, he just laughed. Patton didn't mind when Logan didn't understand a joke, he just explained it.

Patton was everything Logan wasnt. Logan wasn't able to laugh like people wanted him to. Logan couldn't smile and literally infect people with sunshine. Logan didn't know how to calm even the most damaged people. But Patton didn't seem to mind. The glasses clad need walked the down the hallway and into the waiting room so he could sign himself out and leave. But his plans changed when his eyes landed on Patton waiting, bouncing around in a nervous very out of place way. 

"Patton?" His voice felt far away, why would Patton being seeing a trauma therapist? Patton trauma? Patton. Tauma. Trauma. Patton? The two words together made bile rise in his throat, he felt itchy all over. He had been talking to Patton for two weeks now how did the barista manage to worm his way so deeply in his heart. Why did Logan care so much?

" Oh. Hey... Logan. " he smiled bright and warm and so Patton like, and gosh that was why. He had the smile of soft blankets snuggled up on the couch on a rainy day. The smile of just finishing a good book, of hot chocolate down a cold throat. He had the smile of home. Logan had never been home before, that was scary. Patton. Trauma!

"What are you doing here?" He asked still not letting it sink in that Patton with trauma could be a thing, because Patton unhappy, Patton without the smile of home felt wrong and made the knife return twisting in his chest leaving an empty gaping hole.

"Oh. I uh... Therapy?" It came out as a quiet unsure question and that hurt Logan even more. "How about you? "

"Therapy." He answered, the scorching hole ever widening as he took a step closer to the other man.

" Huh, I guess that's why we're at a therapist office right? " he laughed softly, but it wasn't right. Patton's laugh was bubbly, infectious, this? This was, wrong. The laugh was so controlled and so false. Logan had to fix it. He thought rapidly, Patton likes, dogs, puns, coffee.

"What do you call an educated therapy dog?" He shouted quickly not waiting for a response, Patton's head tilted in a concerned way, whoop guess ya screwed that one up, Logan stop now before you do something you really regret. " a dogtor. "

recognition flashed across the other's face and his real smile returns laugh and all, Logan felt warm inside. "Oh. My! GOLLY!!! You made a dad joke!!" Keep him laughing, keep him happy.

" I did no such thing. You simply... " He looked at the salad the receptionist was eating, "kaled to hear me correctly." Patton was laughing again. Logan could keep this up for forever, just to hear that laugh. He would have too, had Emile not walked up behind him and beckoned for Patton to follow. 

"I'll catch you later, Lo. K?" The pale man waved him goodbye. And Logan had thinking to do.

He had known that barista for less then a month. Why the hell did his smile feel so perfect. Like if he looked to long could kiss.... WHAT!?!? No that's not what he thought!?!? When the hell did kiss become an option?!?! but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Patton was home. Patton was warm cookies. Patton was love. And Logan was as screwed as a lost puppy, wasn't he?


	5. Patton: Anxiety has entered the chat (and not the purple haired emo, this one's the bitch.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton is a little bit panicky after his therapy, sure seeing Logan there helped but he still hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: panic attack, suicidal thoughts, insecurity, and anxiety. If you don't like those things don't read because it only gets worse. I know the tags say fluff, and I swear it comes eventually we just need this chapter alot. Trust me it hurt to write.

Patton rolled out of bed slowly. He did not feel up to moving, but alas work beckoned. He trudged into the kitchen of his dingy apartment tripping over the rug he promised himself he would replace eventually. Without thinking he ran a shaky hand through his unruly curls, he felt like crying, or maybe dying. "You can not have a panic attack this early in the morning you idiot!" He yelled at himself tears swelling in his eyes. There wasn't anything to be panicked about anyway. Yesterday had been good, he had a good talk with Picani, and gotten to talk to Logan twice in person. Why did he feel like the world was ending?

Any other day Patton might have been concerned that Roman would see him like this, but when he had said he wouldn't be home for dinner he meant it, he must have spent the night with the purple haired emo. 

'probably because he didn't want to see you!!' Patton squeezed his eyes shut at the voice, tears slipping down his features, over his freckles and too pale skin, tracing and amplifying every imperfection every flaw. With quick breath he felt himself fall against the wall and lean in for support slipping to the floor. Flawed, a word that described every fiber of his being. 

"JUST BREATH!" He shouted, too loud. Every noise mixing with gasping breaths his shaky hands pulling at his hair, trying to ground him. His chest ached, his skin burned his lungs felt scorched, like each breath a new flame. his throat closed as he let out a pathetic sob. He heard everything, it was so loud. The sounds of his hands, his breath, the refrigerator, the wind chime at the window.

'you are so useless, it's a wonder Roman didn't ditch you sooner.' He curled himself in closer rapping his arms around his legs.

"BREATH!" He screamed again, his voice was wrong, it felt so wrong in his too tight throat. It sounded wrong too, it was a rasp instead of its usual crisp and thick tone, it was wet and broken.

'I bet Virgil hates you, I bet Roman hates you, I guarantee everyone hates you!'

"No!" He shouted in response willing himself to fight just a little willing himself to think maybe the voice lied.

' how can anyone not, when you hate yourself?!'

"I DON'T KNOW!!.... I DOn'T EvEN KnoW!... jUsT shUt up!! Pleasejustshutup!Icantpleasejuststopleavemealone!justshutup?!?" He screamed at no one . God he had been doing so Well, no panic attacks in three months. Picani was so proud yesterday. 

'you failed him like you fail everyone.' 

"Yeah." He finally relented letting the sobs out the feeling of dying burning in his head, may be if he just stopped breathing...

"PATTOn!? Oh dear Hera are you alright?" Roman's voice brought Patton's eyes open and started his shaky breaths again. He ran to his friends side and placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder, only to have it thrown off a second later by the other quickly jerking away. "Oh okay, no touching I got it."

'he thinks you're a freak. '

"Can you talk?." When he received no answer other then a sob, he grew concerned guilt pooling in his stomach. He should have come home last night. He knew that Patton had a hard time after therapy, but Virgil had needed him. It seemed everyone needed him these days. " Thats okay Pat, look at me? " look he did, red eyes and wet face lips quivering and mouth agape, trying so hard to just breath.

'failure.'

'weak.'

'pathetic.'

'he knows.'

'he knows what a pathetic piece of trash you are.'

'he knows how weak you are.'

'worthless.'

"Hey, hey Pat keep looking at me. Just like that yeah, good job I want you to count back from one hundred by threes okay?" a short nod as response "I'll start. One hundred."

'failure.'

'worthless.'

'everyone hates you.'

'your not good enough.'

'your bad.'

'you can't work right.'

'there's something wrong with you.'

"NinTy-seVen." He choked on the word it fell dry in his mouth. He took Roman's hand in his own breaths still coming in too fast.

"Ninety-four." His best friend smiled reassuringly down at him.

"NineTY-OnE." He coughed, breath just slightly smoother but no less slow.

"Eighty-eight."

'hates you!'

'your going to be late.' Yet another sob ripped from his throat at the thought.

"No, hey pat, come on your doing great." They continued the exercise until Patton could feel himself breath normal, and he was ready to stand. " Wow wow wow wow, where do you think your going young man? "

"W-work?" He replied though he hadn't meant it as a question, that's sure how it sounded.

" Oh I think not. You just had an exhausting experience mister you are staying here with me and binging Disney movies while Virge runs the shop for the day. "

"What! No. Roman really I'm fine I can..."

" No. end of discussion. Go put pajamas on and I'll call Virge. "

To weak to fight, Patton complied. The barista did find himself rather exhausted from the attack. His anxiety did do a double take at the thought of Virgil having work by himsepf His protective dad side wanting to take over. Then he thought of Logan he would have to remind himself to text him later. Until then the curly Blonde threw on a Onesie, grabbed a stuffed animal, and yeeted himself on to the couch. Less then a minute later, Roman was there with a tub of ice cream and a shoulder to cry on, and Patton thought even just for a fleeting second he would be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking a vote what do.you guys want next?
> 
> A. More Patton angst.
> 
> B. Patton backstory.
> 
> C. Logan and Patton fluff. ( Logan trying to be macho to get Patty cake to like him)
> 
> D. Roman gets his own chapter.


	6. Logan: pre-gay panic?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan makes a plan for how to get Logan to like him, Virgil does not like the guys Patton has liked in the past. Also Remy works in a flower shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like I know I had a vote and the most picked was Patton's backstory but I wanted to attempt writing a gay disaster so I guess we get a little of both? This really wasn't gay disaster much as protective Virgil which was so fun to write. I want major gay to happen in the next chapter, it is going to be another Logan chapter mostly because I left this one off in the middle of a conversation but it was just to good of a line to not end there.

Logan calmly walked out into his living room, checking himself in the wall mirror and straightening his favorite blue tie. Having come to the realization the he may have been fond of Patton in a more then platonic way, the teacher had concluded research was in order. Once he reached that conclusion, he had rushed home, brought out a new notebook and began. After he compiled the most referenced steps of how to get someone to like you, Logan himself made a plan and scribbled in his best handwriting

Step one: Be as charming as possible. Ways to be charming are as follows, bringing flowers spontaneously, giving gifts, laughing at and telling jokes (Patton enjoys puns.)

Step two: Win Patton's affections: (will make note of how to do so later and see first step.)

Step three: ask Patton out: he enjoys grand gestures as noted on multiple occasions, (do something unforgettable, loud an, I'm front of a lot of people.)

Step four: ........ Pull a long con to get him to accidentally fall in love with you. And then you're in.

Step five: congratulate yourself in a job well done by marrying Patton exactly five years later.

his plan seemed pretty straightforward (hah straight... Oh God Patton was rubbing off on him to much) so, Logan then prepared to complete the first step by heading to Patton's place of business with the prettiest bouquet of flowers he could find. First of course he had to go into a flower shop, he did a quick Google search of the nearest one, and went on his quest.

Upon entering the shop, He was bombarded with an array of gorgeous plants and flowers, teddy bears were lined on shelves, cards took up wall space and an ungodly amount chocolates were laid before him. Before leaving his house Logan had of course brought his book of meanings behind certain types of flowers, not wanting to send the wrong signals . After looking around for a bit he had wanted to purchase the bouquet of yellow roses and zinnias, yellow being Martin's favorite color. However, a quick search of his book, told him they both symbolized true friendship, and Logan did not want to, as the kids say 'friendzone' Patton. Quite the contrary, he wanted to slowly earn the others affection, which was the whole reason Logan was there. Patton liked grand gestures, on multiple occasions they had seen a boy do some sort of over the top gesture, in a coffee shop no less, for his lover and Patton called referee to it and described it each time as cute. Logan finding them completely illogical, but this was for Patton, and Patton would get what he wanted so long as Logan was alive. God he had only known the man for a short time, but he had a hard time seeing how more people weren't head over heels for the freckled barista. 

Patton was beautiful in everyway plausible, the freckles that lines his cheeks and arms, the blonde curls that framed his adorable face, his blue-green dazzling eyes, Logan could lose himself in those eyes. Logan had lost himself in those eyes, there was so much to see, they were the gateway to Patton's very soul and Logan very much wanted more. More of home, more of his moronic jokes, more of his smile, more of his laugh, just... Just more of Patton. He shifted his gaze back to the book and flipped to the romance section. But alas he couldn't really find the type of flower that appealed to his or what he assumed to be Patton's taste. he scanned through the store again and searching for anything, he was in fact so deep in thought he failed to notice a man standing near to his left, until it was to late and a hand was placed on his shoulder, Logan quickly jerked away from the touch memories flashing by through his eyes.

"Oh gosh I am so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you, I was just going to ask if you needed help with anything?" His voice was raspy and higher then a usual man, he appeared to be about ten years older than Logan, probably in his mid-thirties. 

" Yes. I was... wondering as to which flower bouquet you would suggest giving to perhaps... a future... Lov-... Romantic partner? " Logan asked far more nervous then he felt.

"Mmm bitch, it doesn't matter what type of flower, give your guuuuurl whatever speaks to you." The man took a long sip from his Starbucks coffee.

"But the symbolic messages in each flower, I could send HIM the wrong idea!" Logan shouted wanting to fully emphasize and articulate how bad that would be.

" Your giving a dude flowers, he's not going to think you did it to just be nice, slut. " he watered a flower expertly filling the pot without over drowning the poor plant something Logan never mastered he was the actual opposite killing whatever he attempted to care for. Typical, a plant couldn't even love him.

"But..."

" Alright fine bitch, let's get you some romantic flowers, go red roses, they're a little clique, but they get the job done. I always give them to my husband and he loves them, gets me a good time in the bed if you know what I mean." He smirked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down and winking.

"I don't believe I wish to know what you mean." Logan shook his head picking up the flowers mentiomed, paying, and quickly retreating from the shop.

He made his way to Patton Pending's, rehearsing his speech the whole way, "Patton, you look lovely today is... That a new hair cut?" He paused as if intently waiting for the object of his affection to answer, before subsequently remembering it was just practice and rightly slapping himself on the head. "I just thought that perhaps, you may find yourself enjoying these flowers?" Logan was, seemingly insane if he thought Patton would ever like him back. No one liked Logan. No one would ever like Logan. Logan was a piece of worthless, trash that even his parents couldn't love. Sure, his mom tried now, but when he was a kid? She never tried to stop his father from whatever he wanted to do, be it baseball bat, fist, or even a chair one time. He was and idiot to think he could 'woo' Patton. Logan was a mistake, labeled as such and rightly so. 

The teacher was pulled from his spiral as he reached the cafe, and made his way inside. He was mildly surprised to see Virgil, Patton's coworker/employee, working the counter instead of the freckled man himself. Logan stilled at the back of a short lineand waited patiently, hoping to catch a glimpse of where his l-OvE... Where Patton maybe. No dice, as he slowly progressed in the line and finally reaching the purple haired emo, he wore dark eyeshadow just beneath his eyes, which were a striking green in one, brown in the other. Though Logan could barely tell with the long bangs covering one.

"Hey, Logan right? You're Patton's favorite customer." His voice, was not what Logan had expected. It was soft not deep but not high lacking any rasp it was so smooth and calming.

"Oh, yes. My name is Logan. I wish to inquire as to the whereabouts of your boss, I have a... Pressing matter to speak to him about." He smiled as the emo stared at him hiding the flowers behind his back and feeling as if he should shrink down beneath the glare.

"What do you want with Pat?" His voice lost the soft tone it had just contained, and had completely moved to a protective droll as Virgil eyes traveled to the plants concealed behind Logan.

"I... Wish to present him with these?" He asked moving the bouquet so that Virgil could fully see the flowers. 

Said emo, flashed him a dark, angry scowl, " Do you have a crush on my boss? " he hissed crossing his arms over his chest holding the notebook usually used for placing orders.

"No. I have a crush on the other Patton who works and owns the establishment."

" way to snark, Patton's not in today he wasn't feeling his best." Virgil's glare did not shift away from Logan's face, it made the other feel as though perhaps this was a truly horrendous idea.

"Oh. Is he okay?" conferences filled Logan's invite a body a shiver passing in his spine.

" Non of your business necktie. " he put the notepad down leaping over the counter and putting his 5 foot 4 inch self right into Logan's face "Let me get one thing right straight through your head. If you intend to like Patton, you better intend to not play any shitty games with him got it? Patton doesn't need another ass wipe messing with him. You want him? Then you want him. Not some shit thing you want to make him, because guess what? If he likes you, not even loves, hell if he thinks it'll make you happy? he will shred himself apart losing every piece of what makes him Patton, and change into whatever perfect trophy human you want. He has done it before, and no doubt he will do it again. So spare him, and just want Patton. The real him." He poked Logan right in the chest, " and if you can't do that? Get the hell out, because if you dare hurt him, I will find you, and I will end you. so, still think you want to give him those flowers?"

Logan thought for a long moment something about the whole speech didnt make sense, and he needed to know the answer to a question he hadn't even thought possible before this moment, "who would ever want Patton to change? That's illogical, you don't change what is essentially perfection."


	7. Virgil: strange dude that likes Patton? No.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is now going to do everything in his power to vet Logan because Patton deserves a perfect prince.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorrrrrttttttttt chapterrrrrrrrr. I sorry. Is like 700 words though so like.*shrugs shoulders*-Jer

Virgil looked dumbstruck at Logan, the emo knew he had met Patton only a few weeks prior. How could he say something so utterly convincing? All they needed now was some idiot declaring their undying love in front of a large crowd and they would literally be living a hallmark movie. However, Virgil was smarter than that, he knew how people worked. aside from Roman and Patton, humanity was ruled by demon liars who did everything in their power to destroy any perfect things. Anything good turned to the ground in milliseconds, destroyed by people who 'cared.' Virgil was not about to let the world take and ruin Patton. "Look, I'm sorry I reacted like that," he started thinking back to every relationship he'd seen Patton in, the manipulation the lies and gaslighting. Nights where the usually happy man, would call to ask if he had done something stupid or wrong, and days where Roman would tell Virgil about how Patton really didn't understand that some people were just bad that they couldn't be helped. that no matter how much Patton loved them, they would never change or be better because Patton picked bad people."Patton has a history of dating jerks."

"If that is the case," Logan started straightening his square glasses and shifting uncomfortably. "I commend you for protecting him, and if I ever upset him, in any way you have my full permission to, as the kids say 'Kick my ass'" Virgil eyed him up suspiciously "Though I believe I will be working on a slow-burn in our relationship status. " something twitched in Logan's face like he wanted to say more but was... scared, or afraid? There was a ring on the bell that attached to the door and Logan's eyes quickly scanned the entire room, causing shivers to run down Virgil's back, there was something wrong with the way he did it. He was scared looking almost skittish.

"Why's that, the slow-burn style that is?" the purple-haired man asked, he had a sudden need to know everything about Logan before letting him anywhere near Patton. There was something dangerously off about the way, he was glancing around the room, the way he was a solid five feet away from Virgil and yet still uncomfortable. 

Logan's gazed fixed back on the man in front of him before he replied, "I believe it would be beneficial for both me and Patton, to get to know one another better before engaging in any romantic activity or advances." Virgil wanted to test his limits with the odd behaviors that the man was exhibiting, he walked forward and attempted to put a hand on Logan's shoulder. which resulting in him flinching aggressively away and apologizing for it quite a bit.

The emo noted the other's response, put his hand down, and formulated a response, "Tonight meet me here." he picked up his order notebook, scribbled something quickly down, and handed it to Logan. 

"Alright then, why?" 

Virgil smirked at him, "Because I said so its called a vetting period idiot. I'm going to make sure you're good enough for Patton, scared you won't make the cut?" the yes was clear on Logan's face, and Virgil almost felt bad for asking. almost. This was for Patton he reminded himself.

"I will give whatever you challenge me to do, my best shot. however, I do believe there is quite the possibility that I will fail." the nerd smiled insecurely, and Vigil honesty thought he was perfect for Patton. Nobody was that openly honest, at what was a simple goad to hopefully bring the pride out in the other. Which it did not do. Virgil was not going to be fooled that easily he would get to know Logan for a while before actually giving him his blessing. "Could you possibly give these to Patton for me, I do wish for you to tell him that they're from me, however, you do not have to." Virgil thought for a long moment before taking the flowers.

"I'll see you tonight right?" he asked just as Logan was about to leave.

The other paused and looked shyly down at the floor before connecting their eyes again smiling and replying, "I know it may seem hard to believe but, let me promise you this. I would do anything for him." and with that, he was gone leaving Virgil to struggle through overthinking in that entire visit. was Logan for real? or was this another one of the world's endless tricks to take away all the good in Virgil's life, all the perfect. Screw the world, Patton deserved to be happy and Virgil was going to make that happen God damn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So likkkkkkkkeeeeee not gonna lie I can't wait to write the next chapter.


	8. Patton: the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The things that haunt from before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: toxic realtionships, abuse, emotional abuse, bullying, self harm, suicide attempt.
> 
> This is a heavy chapter, but I think it's the best in the story so far.

"Patton babe, what are you wearing?" Jake's voice rang out across the room as his eyes fell on his boyfriend's fitted blue tank top and jean shorts "People can see how fat you are. do you want people to realize your fat?"

A fifteen-year-old Patton shook his head quickly, at the thought. To be honest Patton thought he looked kind of pretty when he left the house that day, but Jake changed that thought right away.

"Go home and change." Jake commanded he was sixteen, a year older then the freckled blonde, he knew what was best Patton was sure, but he liked his outfit and it seemed like such trouble to go all the way home, and he late for the movie they were going to see. 

" But, I like how I look. " Patton affirmed in a soft voice, gesturing to his body. 

"Nobody else in the world does." Jake replied in an aggravated yet uninterested voice rolling his eyes.

"What does it matter what other people think?" The fifteen year old. tilted his head in question.

"I'll break up with you if you don't change right now." And that was that. Patton went home and changed, not another question uttered against a long stream of falsehoods and lies that followed arrogant remarks casually destroying a once strong self esteem. 

It started with little things like that, comments about appearance, how fat he was, how pale he was, next thing he knew Patton wore contacts. A week later Jake started on personality.

" God why are so happy all the time!? It's so annoying, everybody hates those Goddamned puns you're always sputtering off why do I even hang out with you. " he screeched Patton shouldn't have been near as surprised as he was to receive a slap to the face when he tried to talk back, icing to the already darkening hole he knew he was trapping himself in. 

needless to say he wasn't near as happy, that's when he started to cut. Long scars appeared on his arms and torso hidden under the bags of clothes Jake always made him wear.

"God why are you so ugly!!" The dark haired male yelled as his younger counterpart Patton agreed, another cut.

"Why do you have friends like that!?" He question Roman. Jake was always so nice when other people were around they loved him, they probably hated Patton, another cut.

"You're worthless garbage, be better!!! You're wasting my time!" A hit, a slap, a cut.

" I hate you. " a cut.

"I love you, but..." A cut. 

Three years of this torture three years of hating himself.

"Patton, do you really think anyone likes your hair when it's that long? you look like a girl. is that what you want?" a whisper right in his ear so soft you could almost believe it was a lovely secret between lovers and not some dirty truth. 

a warm arm wrapped tight around Patton's waist he felt bile rise to the back of his throat but swallowed it down quickly, that's not what Jake wanted. Jake always wanted Patton to be happy, so Patton would be happy. the arm rapped tighter almost to the point where it hurt, but not enough. it was just enough so Patton couldn't get away if he tried. 

trapped, that's what he felt when he was here over and over again in this moment, no escape in those arms. "Are you ignoring me?" the whisper returned burning in his insides shaking in his soul and shading his heart blacker still.

"N-No I just, I like it l-longer." Patton finally answered willing himself to lean into the uncomfortable, burning touch that what Jake wanted.

"You're an idiot if you think anybody thinks you look good like that. I think you look ugly, like always." the words swirled in Patton's head the same way they always did making his thoughts swim vagally a voice good him an eighteen-year-old-year-old shouldn't feel like this, but he shoved that quickly down, Jake knew what was best for him right? Jake wanted what was best for him, the arms gripped tight and the dark-haired male pressed a chaste kiss to Patton's neck. "How about you go home, cut your hair, put concealer on those god-awful freckles, and then come back, kay babe? don't even get me started on how fat you are, you really need to work on that" jake pinched at the blond's side pulling at the skin.

"Of course, whatever you want from me," he answered like the good boyfriend he was.

"That's a good boy." then he left the party tears pooling in his eyes and his arms aching for relief from the feelings swirling inside of him, the thoughts burning in his head. his whole body was burning for relief. 

Jake loved him. jake loved him. jake loved him. Jake did love him!!!!! 

As he walked the next corner Patton slammed his head into the wall and a second of numb pain pulled him away from the emotional turmoil coiling around his heart and twisting its venomous teeth. he slammed again for good measure, that would do for the walk back to his house.

the teen turned corner after corner, maybe if he loved Jake more, he would talk nicer? or maybe if Patton was just prettier, or better at being a good person instead of whatever the hell piece of trash he was. Rain started to drip from the clear sky pouring down on Patton, a perfect metaphor for his head, his body, his mind, a cloudless storm. no one prepares for the happy kid to cry, but now at this moment, sobbing was all he felt capable of. his head hurt, his heart hurt, he hurt. So bad.

The boy walked into the living room of his childhood home; his blond curls dangled loosely around his neck as he felt tears pool in his eyes. he trudged up the blue carpeted stairs not locking the door behind him, he walked a hallway and moved toward the bathroom.

he entered the room and rummaged drawer after drawer searching for scissors, he found them. he cut, he snipped he pulled and he ripped, except he didn't cut his hair. blood pulled on his wrists his legs his thighs his chest he rummaged more, finding a bottle of his dad's depression meds and shoved them all down his throat, he felt numb. He felt hurt. he felt broken. He felt stupid. he felt worthless. he felt like shattered mirror, shards of himself spread across a room hurting anyone who dare touch him. 

and he needed it to stop. he then slumped to the floor and cried harder and harder thrusting his head into the wall behind him, rapping bloodied arms around himself and he screamed. he screamed for every moment he felt repressed every second he felt alone. he closed his eyes, distantly he swore he could hear his best friend, Roman's, voice excitedly entering the house, he also guessed that wasn't his problem anymore. Then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the month hiatus, I was putting together a playlist on spotify for this story. Look me up little_birdy.


	9. Patton: a good mood?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton feels great after yesterday happy even... Then some realization may hit him dead in the eyes.

Patton slowly made his way to his Café pulling out his phone fast to check for any messages that may have been left from yesterday. Yesterday had been honestly comforting, Roman had made him shut off his phone, put on pajamas, eat icecream, and sleep on the couch all day, his anxiety was almost non-existent today. He felt at peace for the first time in years. He felt loved, a smile brushed across his pink lips as he walked across the sidewalk hopping with excitement. With all of yesterday, he had not had a chance to talk to Logan, his only other friend, so Patton was happy to get in to work today. Looking back down he found two messages from said friend. he slid up to read them,

8:15 am

Logan: Patton, you were not at the café today. Are you feeling well?

8:30 pm

Logan: Hope you are alright. Goodnight Patton.

A large smile forced its way onto Patton's features, he walked another block of the street before turning into Patton Pending’s, sticking his key through the hole and marching inside. he quickly turned on his favorite Spotify playlist featuring Broadway music and other happy calming songs, he wiped down the counters and started brewing some black coffee. This was what a good mood felt like, it felt like not being too tired to do the things he loved so much, God he missed good mood.

“Hey Pat,” Virgil’s soft voice came as the bell dinged on the door clad in his favorite purple hoodie and freshly dyed hair. “didn’t know you were coming in today.” He smiled warmly.

“Yeah,” Patton giggled a real laugh “Roman released me from his manticore grasp just in time for work today.” He tossed Virgil his usual apron and continued on his wiping, they had about a half-hour before anyone would show up for their morning coffee.

“Yeah, about that. You okay?” The emo asked walking around the counter and placing a hand softly on the other's shoulder. his face was a mesh f concerned emotion and Patton's stomach pooled with guilt.

“Virgil I’m okay, I’m always okay. I'm your happy pappy Patton” Patton beamed placing a hand over Virgils’ and smiling again, 'Liar, disgusting iar.' and the voice return with its monotone scream taunting in the back of what was an almost perfect morning. Patton pushed it down and swallowed.

“Now we both know that’s a lie.” Virgil sternly stared back and forced both hands to his friend's shoulders, in what was meant to be comforting though it came off more stern, Patton shivered in his grasp.

“Maybe so, but I’m really good today, I promise.” He removed his hand, stuck his pinky in the air and offered it to his friend as a promise.

“Don’t lie to me,” Virgil warned rapping his arms around the other and nodding his head. “I don’t know what I’d do if something bad happened to you, k?” his voice quacked a little bit, "I know I don't say it often but, You mean a lot to me okay?"

“I didn’t know you cared so much,” Patton whispered accepting the hug immediately 'Hah, you think he's serious you're his boss, of course, he wants you alive idiot. you pay him. you're not his friend you're his employer.' Patton shoved the voice into a dark corner of his mind in hopes to enjoy the moment, maybe the voice did lie maybe he could believe that.

“well I’m telling you now buddy, I freaking love you. I would die for you..” Virgil almost whispered, into the fabric of Patton's shirt as his arms again held tightly around the blond's back.

“don’t die for me.” Patton Laughed at the absurdity, just yesterday he had thought the world would be better off without him, someone dying in his place was just... wrong in every way.

“why?”

“because..." 'you aren't worth it? You'll kill yourself anyway? why?' he shoved the thoughts down "Then I'd have to die to avenge you. And it would be a whole thing, silly.” he decided on, finally releasing Virgil from the hug to continue getting the cafe ready for the arrival of their morning costumers including Logan. For the next thirty minutes the two of them prepared the coffee house for their morning rush, flipping the chairs, sweeping the floors, grounding the beans, chatting, and bouncing to the music.

The bell rang as Logan trudged in half asleep and not looking like his usual pristine self at all, he looked, ruffled for lack of a better adjective. "Wowie Logan are you okay." at Patton's voice Logan's entire demeanor shifted to that of almost joy, also not like him.

"Patton, I was most concerned that you may not have been coming in today." he smiled brightly as patron jumped the counter to move closer to him. 

"Yeah, sorry about yesterday something came up... I meant to text you. sorry if I-" he was cut off abruptly by Logan sticking his pale white hand in the air.

"It is completely understandable that you did come in yesterday, I am simply pleased that you are alright." he looked tired and sad Patton's heart melted. something was upsetting Logan and Patton was going to figure it out if it was the last thing, he ever put his mind to.

"Hey, Virgil would you get Logan's usual coffee ready I'd like to chat for a bit with him." Virgil eyed them suspiciously but did as he was instructed. "Are you okay." he placed his hand on Logan's shoulder his entire body flinched at the touch and Patton thought he might cry; he had, of course, noticed Logan's aversion to touch and loud sounds but it always made him think of the horrible things that may have caused it, he pulled his hand away but did not acknowledge the way Logan frowned at the lack of touch.

"I am... simply tired Patton. However, thank you for your concern." Patton shifted uncomfortably at the answer, Logan was not a good liar he was upset and it was clear. 

"Please don't lie to me." he whispered in response, this must be how Roman felt whenever Patton refused to answer honestly about how he was feeling, his stomach was in knots if Logan didn't want to tell the truth it must be bad, 'I bet you caused it somehow, you're really good at making messes like this. you know hurting people.'

"Patton, I will tell you... perhaps one day. for now, though I wish we discuss topics as though it were a normal day." Logan smiled brushed a bit of his bangs from his face, and adjusted his glasses, it was kind of cute, and he had such beautiful dark blue/gray eyes, gateways to his soul. he had so many questions to aks, he wanted to be able to help Logan, his heart hurt for Logan, Logan his friend.

"Can I hug you?" he asked softly instead of the millions of questions rumbling in his head for dominance.

Logan thought for a long moment, "I believe that would be quite enjoyable." Patton smiled at the phrasing and moved in to hug him. Logan wrapped his arms around Patton and he felt safe, home even, was this what home felt like? the voice was gone it was just him and Logan happy... maybe they-

"Your coffee Logan." Virgil mused from beside them, Logan quickly stepped away attempting to hide a blush that clearly covered his entire face, Patton chuckled. Virgil looked almost offended, he narrowed his eyes and handed Logan the coffee.

"Yes well, perhaps... would you.. er Patton would you.. join me at this table?" Logan stumbled through his exposition Patton fealt a blush stumble to his own cheeks... oh dear.... oh golly.. Oh no...was he in like? Was this like? Did he like Logan? A question for another time.

"I would love that." he smiled sweetly accepting the hand offered to him by his... friend.


	10. Logan: Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton and Logan talk in the cafe and hard questions are asked, harder answers are given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the ridiculous wait on this chapter school has been really hard.

Logan and Patton sat comfortable tucked away in little booth, laughing about little things. They had been having, much to Logans surprise, a thorough debate about mental health awareness. The conversation had started when Patton had mentioned Picani, of course Logan knew they shared the same therapist but the fact that Patton knew so much about mental health equally scared and surprised him. Honestly the other was extremely researched.

Logan was about to retort to a particularly strange statemen when Patton interjected, “Do you think, people who hurt other people can be fixed?” His soft full voice asked from the table across from Logan. Logan straitened his glasses, it was a questioned he had not expected from the other man but, it seemed so pure. All Patton wanted was an honest answer.

“Define hurt? Emotionally, physically, or mentally and by hurt do you mean abuse or emotional turmoil? They are all different forms of the same question Patton.” A shiver ran down his spine at the thought of physical abuse, images flashing behind his eyes of when his father had been drunk… again.

“Well, I guess a bit of all of it… abuse really.” The freckled blonde answered his hands twisting nervously together like the question mattered, like Logan’s answer mattered. And that scared him so much, because if the answer mattered that meant the questioned mattered. And if the questioned mattered that meant it was asked for a reason and the reason had to be either Patton had possibly suffered abuse, or he discovered logan definitely had.

The thought of someone harming Patton, made Virgil’s defense of the man seem too good. IF Virgil thought for a moment Logan would ever have laid a hand to Patton he should have given more than a fair warning. Patton… abuse. They didn’t match, those two words were wrong together. But Logan and abuse were two halves of the same coin. Past and present. But if logan was abuse and Patton and abuse didn’t mix then…

“I…” Logan began as the bell on the door rang interrupting him, the sound echoed through the small room. Patton stood to help Virgil take the order. Logan out of habit scanned the people who entered, three, all men. They seemed fine enough.

“I’ll be back in a minute, just think for a sec yeah.” He smiled big and bright, the small gap between his two front teeth becoming very noticeable and Logan found himself smiling back. The warmth that Patton made in his chest was something a kin to butterflies dancing across the sky. He thought, because the question mattered it deserved his full attention. Patton deserved the world. Logan knew his answer, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that his father could never be “fixed”. But could anyone really be fixed? What if everyone was just… a bunch of broken pieces that never even belonged together? What if him and Pat were two separate puzzles that would never match? What if Logan was to damaged to fit.

Panic flooded his chest. He swooped his black hair and took a deep breath. If Logan couldn’t make sense when he was with Patton, would it not be kinder to just leave. To not let the ray of sunshine that was Patton be filtered by the musty darkness that was Logan. Past, present, and future may be different but that wouldn’t change the fact that Logan was a mess. He couldn’t let one person lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder without flinching unnecessarily. he couldn’t let the bliss of a warm hug calm his racing mind, for fear of a pain he knew wouldn’t come. So, could people who hurt other people be fixed?

“Hey Kiddo, did you get an answer?” Patton came back up and sat across from Logan once more. The smile that made Logan’s stomach do flips was back, and so was the terror that Logan was somehow going to break that very smile. Patton seemed so strong, but if you looked to long and to hard at that smile you saw how fake it was. there was always something so horribly melancholy about a fake smile. Logan knew the agony of sharing a fake smile freely.

“I don’t know,” he started attempting to sound sure of himself. “I know some people who harm others do it out of a place of insecurity and perhaps, if they received proper help, maybe they could be fixed, as you put it. However, in my experience those who hurt others out of a rage towards the world that created them, I don’t believe they could ever be helped.” Patton nodded, the curls of his blonde hair bouncing in a rhythmic dance that caught Logan’s attention.

“Why did you come into my café that first day? You were so tired, and sad.” Logan shifted uncomfortably, a shiver of that day returning.

“I was looking for something. I happen to be the kind of person who throws myself into work, that’s a big surprise I’m sure. That day I had stayed up for the third night in a row completing an outline for class I was teaching 3 months ahead of where I was.” Logan gripped his hands together, angry at himself for being stupid enough to sacrifice sleep for work he didn’t even need done. But sleep brought nightmares a tiny voice reminded him.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” Patton asked

“No but I did find you, so I am pleased with the outcome of that day."


End file.
